A Thorn in the Side

When one sets out to do a job, there will always be obstacles. It takes courage and determination to get through every one of them. Some literally go through brick walls to get to their task/job/achievement. I have often looked back at life thinking what have I achieved that I am proud of. Unfortunately, these questions come up when I'm depressed so I generally don't see what others see in me. It's this self-doubt that I believe is where most, including myself, fall into the traps of society.

I have recently seen in my own family and friends crowd, individuals that are subjecting themselves to things that they normally won't because of this self-doubt. Why would you slog yourself at work for that promotion or pay rise and then when somebody, who may or may not have importance to you, comes along and questions your capability, doubt everything you have done? You know what you have achieved and you know that you have worked hard for it. What about relationships? If what attracted you to a person is now the cause of a problem, why would you feel bad for not being who they want you to be? Its clear that they never understood you in the first place, or else the attraction would have remained since you are the same person. Easy enough to implement? Not so. I am the biggest culprit in this factor. My character itself is 2 steps forward, 10 steps back. All because of self-doubt. And in my circumstance, I think it comes from the constant breakdown of confidence I experienced from a young age.

I sometimes laugh at a quote I put on my facebook page about myself. "From the secluded and seldom boring four walls of my room, i created an alter ego that has now somewhat taken over my life. So for those who've met me, the loud sarcastic biyatch that you see is beating the kind sweet timid girl inside to a pulp most of the time." The laughter comes from the fact it's the timid girl thats writing that quote as she isn't confident enough to say what she feels. For instance, I'm sometimes subjected to behaviour that I felt is inappropriate considering I'm older that the subjectee, a fact they feel isn't important. But since I somehow find myself the cause, I let go of it. To a degree, I have dealt with this issue of mine but the cobwebs still linger.

Even now as I'm typing this blog, I feel that my life has so much that still needs to be done and I'm running out of time but I don't want to lose the opportunity of just being. This contradictive feeling is something I'm constantly asking my cousins and friends to not put themsleves through. But the fact that I asked them to do as I say not as I do, doesn't help. So now what? There are so many of us that have this contradictive nature, is there a course or solution for it? A way to get out of the habit? Knowing the facts is never enough. That's why all tertiary education has an element of practicality in it. So then what? My question is not where do you find the answer. Its how do you implement it. Is there an answer to that?

I know that it may seem odd for some the way I counter-act and/or contradict myself. But this is the real me. I've always been this way and to some degree, will stay this way. But when I see some of the most prime opportunities pass me by because I cant seem to bring myself to believe in myself, or a dear friend puts herself through so much crap day-in, day-out- all in the name of LOVE- you cant help but ask these questions that, unanswered, remain to be... Thorns in the Side.