Muting The Demon

Sometimes it’s hard to put to words what you feel when you dismiss it to be ridiculous and/or unimportant for yourself. I mean I know the importance people have in my life but where can I guarantee someone will consider me in the same way. I miss the time when it didn't hurt not to have someone nearby. I think the ignorance stabilized it all in an insane way and I was content.

But then I felt something. It wasn't much. Just the reassurance and concept someone was there. A friend. A guide. My mum was that person for a while. It was fun. I could tell her pretty much anything. Well almost. But then things changed. Someone else took over. Some close in age. Some were of different background. The world that I saw, experienced and grew into felt like more than just a few happy nights on the town. It became a reality that I was aware could go away but somehow didn't think it would.

It did. And I was left alone in a crowd. To fend for myself. Feel, emote, decide, establish. There were no exceptions anymore. What was right was right for everyone. What was wrong, was condemned for one and all. I no longer had a separate bubble of exception. It got to a point where I even could see the flaws in me that I used to think nothing off. Not that I began to act on it all. I just became the bad guy not worthy enough to judge so no comment was made. Actually, more like someone who was not worthy of anything in particular. Talent was a fluke. Credit was never due. Compliments never taken well. 

I slowly have become very similar to who I am now. I say this because I seem to be changing a little when I look back at issues. After all change is the biggest constant. It hurts sometimes. Not knowing if you will make it to that cloud of happiness. Not knowing if those that are with you will stay. So I tend to over compensate when I am. Not really buying their love, time or affection. Just reminding them how I feel for them. Trying to keep my own demons at bay.

I still cant get over them though. Those moments. Even after working to make sure I am the best me, I can be. I have them till this day. And most likely, will have them till I breathe my last.